Twas The Night Before Mathmas (text)

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Text for the poem “Twas The Night Before Mathmas” (via Spiked Math)

Twas the night before Mathmas, when all through the school,
Not a student was studying, not even a fool.
The stockings were hung by the blackboard with care,
In hopes that St Matholas soon would be there.

The freshmen were nestled all snug in their seats,
While questions with functions appeared on their sheets.
And Professor in his tie, and I in my vest,
Had just settled our brains for a long calculus test.
When outside the window there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my seat to see what was the matter.
Professor looked up and said “sit back down!”,
I did what he said, but did it with a frown.

I looked at my test and saw f(x),
I then got distracted, and started thinking of sex.
Then outside the window a figure appeared,
It was St Matholas with a scruffy white beard.

I pointed and shouted and said “EVERYONE LOOK!”,
The Professor sighed and wrote in his book.
I think he wrote FAIL right under my name,
However there is no way I can verify this claim.

How come no one else can see St Matholas,
Is it because they have too much stress?
I tried to ignore him and focus on my test,
But this made St Matholas beat on his chest.

Then St Matholas entered the school,
And in one hand he carried his trusty slide rule.
No one but me noticed him come in,
I thought for sure that I must be dreamin’.

I saw in his other hand was a bottle of Coke,
And then he walked up to me and he spoke.
He said, “I am x squared plus one equals zero“,
And I thought for sure this guy’s my hero!

He talked about formulas and helped me derive,
We did x cubed plus seven to the power of five.
He said, use the chain rule and power rule too,
I quickly wrote this down without having a clue.

I finished my test in record time too,
And started contemplating going to Waterloo.
I thanked St Matholas for his help on my test,
And he said “No problem!” and that I was blessed.

He walked up to the blackboard and looked at the stockings,
And filled each one with Groups, Fields and some Rings.
He then disappeared right out of my sight,
Much faster than downloading a single kilobyte.

I handed my test to the old mean professor,
And he winked at me and told me I would have to defer.
I realized I’ll never use calculus in my life,
And went home and spent Mathmas with my super hot wife.

“Happy Mathmas to all, and to all a good night!”

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